Colored Candies

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Sunday, May 17, 2015

Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist - Part 3

As a child, I remember listening to adults pray, and learning certain phrases from them such as “bless us that no harm or accidents may befall us” and “bless this food that it will give us nourishment and strength.”  One of these was asking God to forgive us of our sins.  But often it was coupled with other words, so I would hear “forgive us of our sins and shortcomings” or “forgive us of our sins and imperfections” and even “forgive us of our sins and weaknesses.”  

So the idea was that I needed to repent of not only my sins, but also my weaknesses.  This led to seeing weakness as a sin, which is a destructive mindset.  It became more confusing when I read in Ether 12:27 that the Lord gives us weakness.  

So I was very grateful to see in last month’s Ensign this excellent article:  It Isn’t a Sin to Be Weak by Wendy Ulrich.  She helps us to see that limitations and inadequacies are not sins and do not keep us from being clean and worthy of the Spirit.  If you haven’t read the article, I invite you to take a few minutes and read it.  

As I've understood more about this concept, Ether 12 makes more sense.  The Lord gives us weakness not that we we need to repent of it, but so that it makes us humble and brings us to Him and  His enabling power.  Then He doesn't remove our weak things; He makes them strong.

Claiming Shame
There’s a difference between guilt and shame.   Guilt is about my actions and behavior.  Shame is about me, as a person.  Guilt says, “I made a mistake” or, “I did something bad.”  Shame says, “I am a mistake” or, “I am bad.”  Guilt can be beneficial when it causes us to repent of wrong-doing.  But shame is never beneficial.

When I first heard about the effects of shame years ago, I didn't think it applied to me.  After all, I was optimistic and upbeat in my disposition.  I spoke self-affirmations to myself to keep me positive.  I was always saying things like, “It’ll all work out,” or, “Everything’ll be OK, just wait and see.”

But as I read the writings of Brené Brown, I started to see that shame was the basis of my perfectionism.  The less we talk about shame, the more we have it.  The more we talk about shame, the less control it has over our lives.  So as I’ve begun to talk about it, I really have noticed that it is decreasing.  I feel more authentic.  I’m able to have greater empathy for others.  I feel that I’m worthy of love and belonging.  

Shame is universal and one of the most primitive human emotions that we can experience.  (Think of Adam and Eve when they became aware that they were naked.)  The only people who don’t experience shame lack the capacity for empathy and human connection.

Sometimes we may want to think that shame is only felt by those who have suffered horrible traumas.  That isn’t true.  We all experience it.  And while we tend to think that shame is relegated to the dark closets of our lives, it actually makes itself known in more common areas:  appearance and body image, parenting, work, money, health, aging, addiction, religion, etc.

Shame thrives in an environment of silence, secrecy, and judgment.  Under these conditions, shame becomes toxic.

The opposite of shame is empathy.  On a continuum, with shame on one end and empathy on the other, the control knob that moves us from one side to the other is vulnerability.  The less vulnerable I am, the more I am on the shame side.  The more vulnerable I am, the closer I get to the empathy side.  

Numbing My Emotions
It’s hard to go through life feeling that I’m “bad” and that I’m a disappointment to God and others.  So I learned how to numb those emotions.  The problem with this is that we can’t selectively numb emotions.  I can’t say, “I think I’ll numb shame, anger, insecurity and regret, but I’d like to still feel happiness, excitement, gratitude and peace.”  When I choose to suppress any emotions, I suppress them all.  Consequently, I also suppressed my ability to feel the Spirit.  And that’s a lonely and dangerous place to be.  

Taken to an extreme, this is where addictions show up.  We anesthetize to make us feel good.  The world uses alcohol, drugs, sex, pornography, gambling, etc.  I could never go there, because those were obviously against the rules.  But there are other addictions that are easier to justify:  staying busy, keeping control, compulsive shopping, food, extreme exercise, caretaking, being organized, and social networking.  These are harder to see as potentially destructive.  

So as I've begun to allow myself to feel again, I’m better able to recognize and label my emotions.  The “negative” ones are less threatening to me.  And I’m learning better ways to express them.  

Black-and-White Thinking
Part of my OCD is the tendency toward all-or-nothing thinking.  I have to be perfect or I’m a failure.  It’s like there’s no middle ground or gray area.  I use words like “always” and “never,”  “ultra” and “uber.”  Life is either wonderful or horrible.  If I’m not excellent at something, then I’m simply mediocre, which is as bad as being awful.  

This thinking is also tied into comparison and competition.  I’m always aware of how others are doing and how my performance compares with theirs.  If I’m only getting the 2nd highest grade in a class, it’s devastating.

Since I've recognized this tendency in myself, I’m better able to be content with lowered expectations.  When I hear my mind thinking in black and white, I know how to talk back in appropriate ways.  One scripture that helps me here is that “it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength.”  (Mosiah 4:27)

To be continued . . . with Part 4.

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