Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist - Part 33

Grace and the River Parable

I recently finished the book “In the Grip of Grace” by Max Lucado.  At the beginning of the book he shares “The Parable of the River.”  Here’s a very rough and abridged retelling.  You should actually take a moment and read the whole thing.  It will only take a few minutes and is worth your time.  

Five brothers live together in their father’s castle.  Because of disobedience, the four younger brothers fall into a rushing river and are swept downstream.  Finally they arrive in a strange land, very different from the safety of their home, and far from their father.  In time they learn to hunt and survive.  From the beginning they agree to always remember their home and hope of returning someday.  

However, one by one the first three leave.

One son joins the savage inhabitants of the land, building a mud hut, and indulging in their hedonistic ways.  

The next son ends up judging the first pointing his finger in disgust and comparing the wayward son to his righteous self.

Another son begins stacking rocks in an attempt to build a path back to the castle, intending to save himself by earning his way back to his father’s presence.

The last son is visited by the eldest, Firstborn brother.  “Father has sent me here to bring you home,” the eldest says.  Entrusting his brother, he climbs on his back and begins the journey home.

After the parable, we are invited to ask ourselves which of the brothers describes our relationship with God.  Have I adopted the ways of the world?  Am I trying to emphasize my own righteousness by pointing out how much better I am than the sinners?  Do I attempt to work my way back to God on my own strength?  Or do I recognize my inability to make it back on my own, and rely on the merits of a Savior?  

I must say that my perfectionism tends to make me like the rock-stacking son.  The pressure to be self-sufficient is strong.  I have a list of requirements for salvation, and it’s my goal to check them off one by one.  If I can just be extremely good, then one day I’ll earn my place in Heaven.  

The problem with that kind of thinking?  I live in a fallen world.  It’s not possible to be that good in this life.  I’m a natural man—carnal, sensual, and devilish.  So I continually fall short and beat myself up for it.  

The goal in life of not to show how long I can go without a Savior.  The more I turn unto Him and receive His grace, the more I experience the mighty change of heart.  “There shall be no other name given nor any other way nor means whereby salvation can come unto the children of men, only in and through the name of Christ, the Lord Omnipotent” (Mosiah 3:17).

To be continued . . . with Part 34

Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist - Part 32

Finding Happiness

In 2 Nephi 5:27, Nephi says that the people lived after the manner of happiness.  What does it take to live that way?

Let’s look at what science tells us.  I believe God has given us knowledge and advances in science and technology to help us, if we will use them to further His purposes.  So here are a few things we learn from science about how to be happy:

1. Practice gratitude.

Gratitude boosts neurotransmitters in the brain, (dopamine and serotonin), which acts as an antidepressant.  Trying to think of things you are grateful for forces you to focus on the positive aspects of your life.

Practicing gratitude may feel artificial, but study after study has shown it to be one of the most powerful activities we can engage in.  Gratitude is a great way to consider what’s good about your life, instead of focusing on what’s not good or what other people have that you don’t.

Research on neuroplasticity suggests that we can actually rewire the pathways of our brains.  When people consciously practice gratitude, they’re increasing the flow of beneficial neurochemicals in the brain.  What passes through the mind re-sculpts the neural structure of the brain.  

The scriptures also teach of the importance of what goes on in our brains.  As a man thinketh, so is he.  If my mind is full of worry, guilt and shame, I’ll feel that way, and happiness will flee from me.  

Joseph Smith was living in a very unhappy situation in Liberty Jail, when he wrote: “Let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly.”  If I focus on virtuous and uplifting thoughts, then my confidence will wax strong, and the Holy Ghost will be my constant companion.

2. Connect with people.

We’re wired for connection.  No man is an island.  One of the purposes of a church is to provide opportunities for fellowship.  Pres. Hinckley often taught that we all need a friend.

Scientific research shows that reaching out to others can help us cope with the trials of life more effectively.  

That’s why we have 12-step support groups, the Addiction Recovery Program.  The opposite of addiction is not sobriety, but connection.  

Often, those who deal with struggles tend to pull back, to withdraw, to isolate themselves.  But when they turn toward others and reach out, healing occurs at a faster rate.  

Relationships are important to your brain’s feeling of happiness. If you want to take that to the next level, touch people.  Obviously, it’s not always appropriate to touch most people, but small touches like handshakes and pats on the back are usually okay.  One of the primary ways to release positive neurotransmitters is through touching.  For people you’re close with, make more of an effort to touch more often.

3. Give service to others.  

Happiness researchers call this “practicing deliberate acts of kindness.”  And it definitely correlates to gospel teachings about being in the service of our fellow beings.  We’ve all felt that good feeling inside after we’ve helped someone else.  

4. Experience awe.

According to the latest research, awe appears to give a major boost to the body’s immune system. Recent studies found that the experience of awe has been linked to lower levels of proinflammatory proteins that signal the immune system to work harder. And though these proteins play a key role in fighting infections, sustained high levels of these proteins are associated with disorders such as type 2 diabetes, heart disease, arthritis, Alzheimer’s disease, and clinical depression.

The fact that awe promotes healthier levels of these proteins suggests anything we can do to foster it—a walk in nature or listening to great music or spending time around people who inspire us—has a direct effect upon our health and life expectancy.

King Benjamin knew this when he taught: “I would that ye should remember, and always retain in remembrance, the greatness of God, and his goodness and long-suffering towards you.” (Mosiah 4:11)

For me, one of the best ways to do this is to go outside on a clear night and look up at all the stars and planets, the galaxies and the immensity of space.  I am always awestruck at God’s love.  And when I feel His love, it makes me happy.  

So, to sum up, there are a lot of ways that science tells us to be happier.  And isn’t it interesting that they correlate with gospel principles?

Practice gratitude.  Connect with others.  Give service to our fellowmen.  Feel awe for the greatness of God and the beauty of His creations.  

Notice that none of these have to do with being rich and famous.  In fact, some of the happiest people are those with very little temporal blessings.  

Elder Holland teaches: “Above all else, ultimate happiness, true peace, and anything even remotely close to scriptural joy are found first, foremost, and forever in living the gospel of Jesus Christ.”  

Sister Jean B. Bingham in her General Conference talk last month said: “We have all asked at times: ‘How do I find joy despite the difficulties of mortal life?' The answer may seem too simple, but it has proven true from the days of Adam. Lasting joy is found in focusing on our Savior, Jesus Christ, and living the gospel as demonstrated and taught by Him.”

Elder Russell M. Nelson said that:  “The joy we feel has little to do with the circumstances of our lives and everything to do with the focus of our lives.”

To be continued . . . with Part 33

Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist - Part 31

Be Ye Therefore Perfect—Eventually

Each spring and fall after General Conference, my blog post usually highlights some of the talks that help me deal with my perfectionism.  At the root of my problem is the feeling that I’m not good enough, and that I need to be perfect right now.  I’m working on that and I’m making progress.  But it’s especially strengthening when someone like Elder Holland provides supportive counsel in a conference talk.  His was entitled:  Be Ye Therefore Perfect—Eventually.  Here are some of my favorite parts.

Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father in heaven is perfect (Matthew 5:48). Such celestial goals seem beyond our reach.  Yet surely the Lord would never give us a commandment He knew we could not keep.

Around the Church I hear many struggle with this issue: “I am just not good enough.”  “I fall so far short.”  “I will never measure up.”

As children of God, we should not demean or vilify ourselves, as if beating up on ourselves is somehow going to make us the person God wants us to become.

I believe that Jesus did not intend His sermon on this subject to be a verbal hammer for battering us about our shortcomings.  No, I believe He intended it to be a tribute to who and what God the Eternal Father is and what we can achieve with Him in eternity.

The grace of Christ offers us not only salvation from sorrow and sin and death but also salvation from our own persistent self-criticism.

My brothers and sisters, except for Jesus, there have been no flawless performances on this earthly journey we are pursuing, so while in mortality let’s strive for steady improvement without obsessing over what behavioral scientists call “toxic perfectionism.”

Every one of us aspires to a more Christlike life than we often succeed in living.  If we admit that honestly and are trying to improve, we are not hypocrites; we are human.  May we refuse to let our own mortal follies, and the inevitable shortcomings of even the best men and women around us, make us cynical about the truths of the gospel, the truthfulness of the Church, our hope for the future, or the possibility of godliness.  If we persevere, then somewhere in eternity our refinement will be finished and complete—which is the New Testament meaning of perfection.

I testify of that grand destiny, made available to us by the Atonement of the Lord Jesus Christ.

Isn’t this amazing?  His words speak to me not only on an intellectual level, but they speak to my heart.  

For a perfectionist like me, this is exactly what’s needed.  I often hear things and agree with them in my brain, but still don’t believe them in my heart.  So I love it when I can take things in and have my heart changed.  It’s a very gradual process, but it’s happening.  

To be continued . . . with Part 32

Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist - Part 30

Worth vs. Worthiness

One of the issues with which I have struggled my whole life is the concept of worthiness.  I have equated perfection and worthiness.  Unless I was perfect, I wasn’t worthy—which means I was never worthy.  I felt guilty taking the sacrament because I wasn’t perfect (worthy).  I felt guilty entering the temple because I wasn’t perfect (worthy).  Of course, I took the sacrament and I went to the temple, because I was supposed to and doing so would mean I was more worthy than if I didn’t.  But it’s rough going through life always feeling like I can never be worthy.  It takes a toll on my self-worth.  

In the latest General Women’s session of conference, Sister Joy D. Jones talked about this very issue.  I loved what she said:

Let me point out the need to differentiate between two critical words: worth and worthiness. They are not the same. Spiritual worth means to value ourselves the way Heavenly Father values us, not as the world values us. Our worth was determined before we ever came to this earth. On the other hand, worthiness is achieved through obedience. If we sin, we are less worthy, but we are never worth less. We continue to repent and strive to be like Jesus with our worth intact.

I also really like what Elder Marvin J. Ashton said about worthiness vs. perfection:

Over the past number of weeks I have had some conversations that have made me ponder the meaning of the word worthy. As I recently talked to a young twenty-year-old man, I discussed his attitude about going on a mission. He said, “I wanted to go, but I am not worthy.”

“Who made that judgment?” I asked.

“I did,” was his answer.

On another occasion I asked a young lady who was contemplating marriage if she was going to the temple. She said, “I would like to, but I am not worthy.” In response to the same question of who determined her unworthiness, she too said, “I did.”

A member mother who had known for many weeks that her daughter had planned a temple marriage was asked if she was going to attend the temple ceremony. “No. I am not worthy to get a temple recommend,” she answered.

Each of these people seemed to have made his own determination about worthiness. When we take it upon ourselves to pass self-judgment and simply declare, “I am not worthy,” we build a barrier to progress and erect blockades that prevent our moving forward. We are not being fair when we judge ourselves.

It occurs to me that there are probably hundreds or even thousands who do not understand what worthiness is. Worthiness is a process, and perfection is an eternal trek. We can be worthy to enjoy certain privileges without being perfect.

To be continued . . . with Part 31

Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist - Part 29

My Neighbor’s Fence

Why is it that perfectionists fixate on things that are out of order?  I took an online OCD quiz and got a perfect score.  It showed pictures of objects that were similar but in each case one was slightly off-center.  If you could spot the one that wasn’t symmetrical, you got a point.  

Each morning when I exercise outside I go past my neighbor’s fence.  It’s a long fence with a lot of pickets.  But every time I run past, I notice a small area of one picket that’s broken.  It’s sad that of all 983 pickets in his fence (yes, my perfectionism required me to count them all), I focus on the one that’s imperfect.

I met a woman recently, and as we talked, my eyes kept moving to a small mole she had by her nose.  I couldn’t just talk with her without that blemish commanding my attention.  It wasn’t even a big one.  

There’s a painting in an area where I work, with a grid of squares.  One of the squares is slightly twisted.  I always see that one first.  
Even when I’m in the temple, which is a pretty perfect place, I notice if there’s a ding in the edge of the woodwork, or if the curtain isn’t hanging straight.  

What’s up with this?  Why does it bother me when the world isn’t perfect?  Why do I want to go up and straighten a picture frame that’s crooked?  

I think probably the underlying tendency is good.  A healthy striving for perfection is good.  It keeps us on the right track.  But perfectionism is a misguided, telestial approach to becoming perfect.  The correct approach to perfection is striving to come unto Christ.  The more we work toward that, the more we are perfected in Him.  And the more we allow Him to perfect us, the more we become like Him.  It’s the gradual, but mighty change of heart that accompanies our conversion.

And when His will is our focus, we don’t fixate unnecessarily on small dings or misaligned objects.  We see a larger, more significant picture.  We let unimportant flaws fall by the way and set our sights on higher priorities.  

To be continued . . . with Part 30

Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist - Part 28

I Missed a Month

Since I started this blog, I’ve been pretty good about posting each month—actually, I’ve been perfect at it. But I missed posting one in June.  So here we are at the end of July and I’m posting again.  Perfectionists often are somewhat bound by routine and compliance.  My perfectionistic tendency would cause me to feel that it’s not OK to miss a month. Besides the fact that June was ludicrous, I decided to let it be OK—as part of my recovery—to miss a month. July has been more cooperative.  

Loving Myself

“And if I asked you to name all the things that you love, how long would it take for you to name yourself?”

I recently saw this question on social media. It hit home. For a perfectionist, it’s difficult to love myself unless I’m performing up to expectations.  

Here’s a conundrum:  

The Savior taught that “whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it” (Matt. 16:25).

I’ve often heard that you can’t give something to others that you don’t have yourself.

Elder Holland taught: “You have to have something in the tank before you can give it to others.”  

The scriptures teach that “the inward vessel shall be cleansed first” (Alma 60:23) and I’m instructed to “first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother’s eye” (Matt. 7:5).

So if I’m struggling to love and understand myself, can I really love and understand others?  

Actually, I don’t think it’s that black and white. I believe there have been times when I’ve been able to give beyond what I own. If my intent is to do it “for my sake”—meaning the Savior’s sake, then he will augment my ability to give. And I’ll be enabled to accomplish more than I would with my own natural capabilities.  

As a perfectionist, I’ve also tended to be a pleaser. But with that mentality, the most important person for me to:

    • connect with

    • show compassion for

    • respect

    • be kind to

    • care about

    • be gentle with

    • accept

    • etc.

—is myself.  When I can do that adequately, then it’s much easier to do for others—with the right motives.  

To be continued . . . with Part 29

Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist - Part 27

Connection

In her book Daring Greatly, Brené Brown says:  “Connection is why we’re here; it is what gives purpose and meaning to our lives. The power that connection holds in our lives was confirmed when the main concern about connection emerged as the fear of disconnection; the fear that something we have done or failed to do, something about who we are or where we come from, has made us unlovable and unworthy of connection.”

We need to feel like we belong, like we are loved and accepted.  When we don’t, it’s painful.  Naomi Eisenberger, professor of Social Psychology and Director of the Social and Affective Neuroscience Laboratory at UCLA teaches:  The experience of social pain, while temporarily distressing and hurtful, is an evolutionary adaptation that promotes social bonding and, ultimately, survival. “That hurt my feelings.” “My heart was broken.” If you listen closely to the ways in which people describe their experiences of social rejection, you will notice an interesting pattern: we use words representing physical pain to describe these psychologically distressing events. In fact, in the English language we have few means of expressing rejection-related feelings other than with words typically reserved for physical pain. Moreover, using such words to describe experiences of social rejection or exclusion is common to many languages and not unique to English.

Scientific research shows that reaching out to others can help us cope with the trials of life more effectively.  

That’s why we have 12-step support groups, the Addiction Recovery Program.  The opposite of addiction is not sobriety, but human connection.  

Often, those who deal with addiction, perfectionism, shame, and many other struggles, tend to pull back, to withdraw, to isolate themselves.  But when they turn toward others and reach out, healing occurs at a faster rate.  

It takes effort to develop friendships and to ask others to be part of our support network.  But it’s worth the effort.  As human beings, we’re designed to connect with others.  No man is an island.  One of the purposes of a church is to provide opportunities for fellowship.  Pres. Hinckley often taught that we all need a friend.  According to God, it isn’t good to be alone.  We’re all part of one large eternal family.  

To be continued . . . with Part 28

Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist - Part 26

Fear vs. Love

I recently finished the book “The Four Agreements” by don Miguel Ruiz.  I really enjoyed it and found that much of it aligned with other concepts I’ve learned over the past few years.  One of the ideas he teaches is that fear is the main cause of suffering.  And that emotions such as anger, envy, shame, guilt, hopelessness, and jealousy are secondary emotions based on fear.  

Ruiz refers to people who decide to embrace the four agreements and generate love and joy in their life as spiritual warriors. It is warfare because you are confronting the old fear-based beliefs in your brain. It may take a few weeks to break free from fear, the oppressiveness of the inner critic, and old emotional habits. Some battles may be lost along the way, but that is to be expected as you invite love and joy into your heart and your life.

The battle of the spiritual warrior is for personal freedom—freedom from fear, delusions, and the fear-based belief system that has controlled your mind. Essentially, it means to win the battle over the beliefs from the past. As you achieve personal freedom, you become free from the emotional suffering caused by your fears. This freedom allows you to live a life of gratitude, non judgment, and love for self and others.   

As I studied this book, I was reminded of phrases from Elder Uchtdorf’s recent Conference talk, Perfect Love Casteth Out Fear.  Here are four of my favorite paragraphs:

My message has two purposes today: The first is to urge us to contemplate and consider the extent to which we use fear to motivate others—including ourselves. The second is to suggest a better way.

It is true that fear can have a powerful influence over our actions and behavior. But that influence tends to be temporary and shallow. Fear rarely has the power to change our hearts, and it will never transform us into people who love what is right and who want to obey Heavenly Father.

People who are fearful may say and do the right things, but they do not feel the right things. They often feel helpless and resentful, even angry. Over time these feelings lead to mistrust, defiance, even rebellion.

My beloved friends, my dear brothers and sisters in Christ, if we ever find ourselves living in fear or anxiety, or if we ever find that our own words, attitudes, or actions are causing fear in others, I pray with all the strength of my soul that we may become liberated from this fear by the divinely appointed antidote to fear: the pure love of Christ, for “perfect love casteth out fear” (1 John 4:18).

Being a perfectionist, I’ve struggled with the expectation of having the “perfect” love that casteth out fear.  But I don’t believe this means my love has to be perfect.  Only the pure love of Christ is perfect.  And as I strive to become more like Him, He will perfect my efforts, which will bring the spiritual confidence to dispel fear and invite Love.  

To be continued . . . with Part 27

Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist - Part 25

My whole life I’ve been a grammar-Nazi.  

Somehow, as a kid in elementary school, grammar rules and mechanics came easy to me.  I quickly caught on to concepts like subject/verb agreements, direct/indirect objects, and prepositional phrases.

I not only held myself to a high standard of using the English language, but I also had high expectations of others.  

Living most of my life in Southern Utah and Eastern Idaho, I’ve associated with a lot of down-home folk, who are unaware of many rules and expectations.  They mostly just speak and write as they’ve been brought up.  

One misuse that has driven me crazy is: “these dishes need washed,” “the lawn needs mowed,” “this floor needs vacuumed,” “the cat wants fed,” “that baby needs changed,” etc.  Technically, they are deleting the infinitive.  The correct phrasing would be either “these dished need to be washed” or “these dishes need washing.”  

Another one that grates on me is “we seen him at the reunion ” instead of “we saw him at the reunion;” or “we was just sittin’ down for lunch” instead of “we were just sitting down for lunch.’  The pronoun and verb need to be in agreement.

Much of social media is written.  In the past, when reading a blog or Facebook post, my perfectionistic self would focus and obsess on spotting errors:  your vs. you’re, their vs. there vs. they’re, loose vs. lose, should of vs. should’ve, etc.  I prided myself on being able to catch someone in an incorrect use, and then mentally (and sometime publicly) berated them for their lack.

This was all brought to my attention when I was listening again to a conference talk.  In a recent General Conference, one of the Brethren gave a talk about how stumbling blocks can complicate and confuse us in our growth toward becoming like the Lord.  

At one point he mispronounced “grievous.”  I immediately began a mental conversation about how an apostle should know better, and that someone should’ve caught it in the teleprompter rehearsal, and that people lose credibility when they mispronounce something before a large audience, etc., etc.  Meanwhile, because of my mental analysis I didn’t hear what he was teaching for a while after that.  I missed out because of my inability to overlook the mistake.  

Ironically, the very concept he was trying to make was about how a stumbling block can prevent someone from progressing.  It was not lost on me.  

I’m also aware that I typically can’t see my own typographical errors.  (You may have noticed some in my posts.)  So if I expect others to be nonjudgmental of my writing, I need to reciprocate.  

Although my OCD toward correct grammar has been significant throughout my life, in recent months/years, it has begun to diminish.  As I’m recovering, I’ve noticed that it doesn’t affect me as often or as strongly.  I’m able to more easily just let it go.  

To be continued . . . with Part 26