Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist - Part 22

This is going to be another post about shame.  If you wonder why I keep harping on this subject, I just want you to know that understanding shame and what it does to me and how to become shame resilient has been some of the most significant findings of my life.

It has now been more than two years since I started “shame therapy.”  I didn’t call it that when I started.  In fact, I didn’t claim shame for most of my life.  While growing up, I don’t remember a lot of times when people said to me, “Shame on you!” or “You ought to be ashamed of yourself!”  The shame was most often unintentional, implied, or even unspoken.  But the perceived expectations were there, nonetheless.  And they certainly took their toll.

My therapist never called it shame therapy, but we have been using Brené Brown’s shame curriculum in my sessions with him.  The curriculum includes a set of worksheet, video clips, and other assignments geared toward helping me accurately recognize shame and its effects in myself, and then giving me the skills and knowledge to become shame resilient.  Identifying shame triggers, knowing how shame manifests itself in me physiologically, and practicing how to react productively have been invaluable in my recovery.

Brené Brown teaches that shame is the birthplace of perfectionism.  Much as I resisted that reality for a long time, it’s true.  Anyone who is experiencing perfectionistic tendencies, low self-worth, faulty core beliefs, or chronic feelings of inadequacy is dealing with shame, whether we acknowledge it or not.  

From time to time I’ve wondered how this shame work aligns with the gospel.  When I give Brené Brown such credit for helping me, instead of giving that glory to the Lord, am I trusting in “the arm of flesh” instead of “relying alone on the merits of Christ”?  (Moroni 6:4.)  Am I promoting “the philosophies of men” more than the teachings of Christ?  

It may seem that way.  But I’m increasingly becoming aware of the hand of God in other mortal servants.  Pres. Kimball said that “God does notice us, and he watches over us. But it is usually through another person that he meets our needs.”  (Ensign, Dec. 1974.)  Pres. Benson said that if we turn to God, He will “raise up friends” to help us.  (Ensign, Dec. 1988.)  I would definitely include Brené and also my therapist in that group of friends, along with others in my “support” network.  

I also believe, as Saint Brené says, “The more we talk about shame, the less we have it.  And the less we talk about shame, the more we have it.”  So this blog is part of my recovery.  There is much research establishing the therapeutic benefits of journaling.  As much as it is uncomfortable for me to be this vulnerable, the growth I receive is definitely worth the discomfort.  

To be continued . . . with Part 23.