Meeting the Expectations of Others
For some of us who are perfectionists, we learned at a young age to try and meet the expectations of others. Often these expectations were unspoken, but they were still there. Our self-worth was based on how well we could measure up to what we thought others wanted us to do and be.
In “The Four Agreements” by don Miguel Ruiz, he refers to this growing up process as “domestication.” Day by day, at home, at school, at church, and from television, we are told how to live, what kind of behavior is acceptable.
During the process of domestication, we form an image of what perfection is in order to try to be good enough. We create an image of how we should be in order to be accepted by everybody. We especially try to please the ones who love us, like Mom and Dad, big brothers and sisters, the priests and the teacher. Trying to be good enough for them, we create an image of perfection, but we don’t fit this image. We create this image, but this image is not real. We are never going to be perfect from this point of view. Never!
Not being perfect, we reject ourselves. And the level of self-rejection depends upon how effective the adults were in breaking our integrity. After domestication it is no longer about being good enough for anybody else. We are not good enough for ourselves because we don’t fit with our own image of perfection. We cannot forgive ourselves for not being what we wish to be, or rather what we believe we should be. We cannot forgive ourselves for not being perfect.
We know we are not what we believe we are supposed to be and so we feel false, frustrated, and dishonest. We try to hide ourselves, and we pretend to be what we are not. The result is that we feel inauthentic and wear social masks to keep others from noticing this. We are so afraid that somebody else will notice that we are not what we pretend to be. We judge others according to our image of perfection as well, and naturally they fall short of our expectations.
When I read this, it was very familiar to me. I have often felt like I was wearing a mask, pretending to be someone I was not. Because I think others expect me to be someone I’m not. I was trying to appear perfect, like I had it all together, and yet, being very flawed and mistake-prone. I think this adequately describes the problem.
Later in the book, Ruiz explains how the Four Agreements can help us overcome this issue of feeling not good enough.
President Uchtdorf shares this wonderful teaching: If we look at ourselves only through our mortal eyes, we may not see ourselves as good enough. But our Heavenly Father sees us as who we truly are and who we can become. He sees us as His sons and daughters, as beings of eternal light with everlasting potential and with a divine destiny.
To be continued . . . with Part 37
