How Can I Keep from Singing?
For so much of my life, my self-worth was tied up in my accomplishments. One of those has been performing. I feel that I have a God-given talent to sing. I especially like singing in a group where there is a tight blend and close harmonies. Because my primary love language is words of affirmation, I’ve thrived on having audience members come up after and tell me how wonderful I was. That’s how I could tell that I was valuable. I’ve liked being in the spotlight and hearing applause.
For many years I directed a trio and then a quartet which performed frequently here in the Rexburg area. It was fulfilling, but also stress-inducing. My perfectionistic self worked overtime to assure that our performances were as flawless as possible. I spent countless hours acquiring accompaniment tracks, audio equipment, matching wardrobe accessories, and excellent singers. I’d choose songs with mass appeal, interesting arrangements, and high-quality tracks. I’d ruminate about different options for the “show order” (which songs to include in a given performance and the order in which we’d sing them). I’d attempt to “equalize out” the pieces to give a similar number of solo segments to each singer, so that there were no superstars or divas. I’d make extra efforts to arrange rehearsal times that fit the already-full schedules of four busy artists. I’d make multiple copies of practice CDs for the singers so we could rehearse on our own. I’d make sure I bought at least four copies of each piece of printed sheet music, so that I wouldn’t use photocopies and violate copyright. All of this took a lot of time and mental energy. (Whew!)
But I “gave that up” some time ago when my hard drive crashed and I lost the accompaniment tracks I had collected over many years. I was also just a couple of months into my counseling sessions with my therapist. I took it as a sign that it was time to focus on other issues (my OCD). So I emailed the other singers and told them that I was quitting the group. This is a really difficult thing for a perfectionist to do. I don't want to be seen as “a quitter.” But I felt it was for the best. In the past few years I’ve performed only a handful of times (aside from singing in my ward choir).
So I was both excited and wary when I got an email asking if I would provide a musical number for an All Employee meeting at BYU-Idaho, where I work. Excited that someone still wanted to hear me sing. Wary that I might be tempted to start up the group again, and that I might revert again to needing the applause.
I contacted the old group members and asked if they’d be willing to do this performance. They were all agreeable. I found an nice, easy arrangement of a hymn and we set a rehearsal time and location. The practice went well and the blend quickly came together again. We’ll perform the song this coming Friday on campus.
This will be a test for me. Is my self-worth stable enough that I won’t be searching for accolades? If no one tells me we did a good job, will I be OK with that? If we make mistakes and the performance isn’t high quality, will I feel responsible and blame myself?
We’ll see.
To be continued . . . with Part 35
