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Tuesday, January 30, 2018

Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist - Part 34

How Can I Keep from Singing?


For so much of my life, my self-worth was tied up in my accomplishments.  One of those has been performing.  I feel that I have a God-given talent to sing.  I especially like singing in a group where there is a tight blend and close harmonies.  Because my primary love language is words of affirmation, I’ve thrived on having audience members come up after and tell me how wonderful I was.  That’s how I could tell that I was valuable.  I’ve liked being in the spotlight and hearing applause.  


For many years I directed a trio and then a quartet which performed frequently here in the Rexburg area.  It was fulfilling, but also stress-inducing.  My perfectionistic self worked overtime to assure that our performances were as flawless as possible.  I spent countless hours acquiring accompaniment tracks, audio equipment, matching wardrobe accessories, and excellent singers.  I’d choose songs with mass appeal, interesting arrangements, and high-quality tracks.  I’d ruminate about different options for the “show order” (which songs to include in a given performance and the order in which we’d sing them).  I’d attempt to “equalize out” the pieces to give a similar number of solo segments to each singer, so that there were no superstars or divas.  I’d make extra efforts to arrange rehearsal times that fit the already-full schedules of four busy artists.  I’d make multiple copies of practice CDs for the singers so we could rehearse on our own.  I’d make sure I bought at least four copies of each piece of printed sheet music, so that I wouldn’t use photocopies and violate copyright.  All of this took a lot of time and mental energy.  (Whew!)


But I “gave that up” some time ago when my hard drive crashed and I lost the accompaniment tracks I had collected over many years.  I was also just a couple of months into my counseling sessions with my therapist.  I took it as a sign that it was time to focus on other issues (my OCD).  So I emailed the other singers and told them that I was quitting the group.  This is a really difficult thing for a perfectionist to do.  I don't want to be seen as “a quitter.”  But I felt it was for the best.  In the past few years I’ve performed only a handful of times (aside from singing in my ward choir).  


So I was both excited and wary when I got an email asking if I would provide a musical number for an All Employee meeting at BYU-Idaho, where I work.  Excited that someone still wanted to hear me sing.  Wary that I might be tempted to start up the group again, and that I might revert again to needing the applause.  


I contacted the old group members and asked if they’d be willing to do this performance.  They were all agreeable.  I found an nice, easy arrangement of a hymn and we set a rehearsal time and location.  The practice went well and the blend quickly came together again.  We’ll perform the song this coming Friday on campus.  


This will be a test for me.  Is my self-worth stable enough that I won’t be searching for accolades?  If no one tells me we did a good job, will I be OK with that?  If we make mistakes and the performance isn’t high quality, will I feel responsible and blame myself?  


We’ll see.


To be continued . . . with Part 35

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