Self-Compassion
Self-compassion is extending compassion to one’s self in instances of perceived inadequacy, failure, or general suffering.
We are taught in the scriptures that we should lose our lives in the service of others, and then we will find ourselves (Matt 10:39). In other words, to feel good about myself, I need to be focused outward on my fellowmen. This concept has caused many a perfectionist to feel guilty if we spend time on ourselves. So it has taken me a while to feel OK about self-compassion.
A related scripture tells me to love my neighbor as myself (Matt 22:39). This isn’t really difficult if I have a bad self-image—since I don’t love myself much, I don’t need to love others much either. But I still need to serve my fellowmen in order to serve God.
The Lord told Peter: “when thou art converted, strengthen thy brethren” (Luke 22:32). He didn’t just tell him to strengthen his brethren; he told him to first work on his own personal condition.
Dr. Kristin Neff, one of the foremost researchers on self-compassion, has defined self-compassion as being composed of three main components—self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness. She further teaches:
Having compassion for oneself is really no different than having compassion for others. Think about what the experience of compassion feels like. First, to have compassion for others you must notice that they are suffering. If you ignore that homeless person on the street, you can’t feel compassion for how difficult his or her experience is. Second, compassion involves feeling moved by others’ suffering so that your heart responds to their pain (the word compassion literally means to “suffer with”). When this occurs, you feel warmth, caring, and the desire to help the suffering person in some way. Having compassion also means that you offer understanding and kindness to others when they fail or make mistakes, rather than judging them harshly. Finally, when you feel compassion for another (rather than mere pity), it means that you realize that suffering, failure, and imperfection is part of the shared human experience.
Self-compassion involves acting the same way towards yourself when you are having a difficult time, fail, or notice something you don’t like about yourself. Instead of just ignoring your pain with a “stiff upper lip” mentality, you stop to tell yourself “this is really difficult right now,” how can I comfort and care for myself in this moment?
Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings.
You may try to change in ways that allow you to be more healthy and happy, but this is done because you care about yourself, not because you are worthless or unacceptable as you are. Perhaps most importantly, having compassion for yourself means that you honor and accept your humanness. Things will not always go the way you want them to. You will encounter frustrations, losses will occur, you will make mistakes, bump up against your limitations, fall short of your ideals. This is the human condition, a reality shared by all of us. The more you open your heart to this reality instead of constantly fighting against it, the more you will be able to feel compassion for yourself and all your fellow humans in the experience of life.
At BYU-Idaho, where I work, we have weekly devotional assemblies. Sometimes the speakers are general authorities or other well-known LDS individuals. Other times, they are our peer employees at the university. Earlier this month the speaker was Gwenaelle Couliard, who works in the BYUI Counseling Center. (Gwena and I were in the same student ward at BYU many years ago.) Her talk was was excellent and a few concepts stood out to me because of my perfectionism. Let me share two paragraphs:
The Lord understands us. He experienced the dual nature himself although His beautiful divine spirit prevailed. However, through manipulative maneuvers, Satan attacked the Lord with temptations of the flesh and the mind, when Jesus was hungry and tired. Although it is hard to know exactly how much He suffered from those evil acts of aggression toward Him, the scripture testifies that He endured them throughout His ministry. Not long before His death, He said the following to His apostles: “Ye are they which have continued with me in my temptations.” And Paul confirmed that He “...was in all points tempted like as we are, yet without sin.” Jesus has perfect empathy for us, having the bowels of mercy; being filled with compassion toward the children of men.
So the Lord spent time working on himself before he began his formal ministry. He first allowed self-compassion for himself, so he could then appropriately focus on us. [Actually, I don’t think this is black-and-white / either-or; I think we can exercise compassion for ourselves while serving others compassionately.]
Gwena continues: If the Lord has compassion for us, whom He died for, sacrificing all because of His love for us, shouldn’t we have compassion toward ourselves for being human? If your young child who fears doctors, bursts into tears at the sight of the needle when getting his immunization shots, you and the nurse don’t yell at him or call him names, do you? No! As a parent, you provide reassurance and seek to know what you can do to alleviate your child’s anxiety while the nurse adds clear instructions and follows protocol. Likewise, we have been given a clear way to bring us back from breaking God's law. That pathway is repentance. But let's not neglect the need for understanding and kindness toward ourselves. I encourage you to exert patience and compassion for yourselves when facing your imperfections. … Be kind with yourself, seek to understand, without judging, what the trouble is. Repent if you need to, and then, strive to do better.
I’m finally liking the idea that I can take time for myself without feeling selfish, while also continuing to appropriately focus on serving others. There’s a happy medium incorporating both. I’m hoping to find and feel good about it.
To be continued . . . with Part 17.
