As a
child, I remember listening to adults pray, and learning certain phrases from
them such as “bless us that no harm or accidents may befall us” and “bless this
food that it will give us nourishment and strength.” One of these was
asking God to forgive us of our sins. But often it was coupled with other
words, so I would hear “forgive us of our sins and shortcomings” or “forgive us
of our sins and imperfections” and even “forgive us of our sins and
weaknesses.”
So
the idea was that I needed to repent of not only my sins, but also my
weaknesses. This led to seeing weakness as a sin, which is a destructive
mindset. It became more confusing when I read in Ether 12:27 that the Lord gives us weakness.
So I
was very grateful to see in last month’s Ensign this excellent article:
It Isn’t a Sin to Be Weak by Wendy Ulrich. She helps us to
see that limitations and inadequacies are not sins and do not keep us from
being clean and worthy of the Spirit. If you haven’t read the article, I
invite you to take a few minutes and read it.
As
I've understood more about this concept, Ether 12 makes more sense. The
Lord gives us weakness not that we we need to repent of it, but so that it
makes us humble and brings us to Him and His enabling power. Then
He doesn't remove our weak things; He makes them strong.
Claiming
Shame
There’s
a difference between guilt and shame. Guilt is about my actions and
behavior. Shame is about me, as a person. Guilt says, “I made a
mistake” or, “I did something bad.” Shame says, “I am a mistake” or, “I
am bad.” Guilt can be beneficial when it causes us to repent of
wrong-doing. But shame is never beneficial.
When
I first heard about the effects of shame years ago, I didn't think it applied
to me. After all, I was optimistic and upbeat in my disposition. I
spoke self-affirmations to myself to keep me positive. I was always
saying things like, “It’ll all work out,” or, “Everything’ll be OK, just wait
and see.”
But
as I read the writings of Brené Brown, I started to see that shame was the
basis of my perfectionism. The less we talk about shame, the more we have
it. The more we talk about shame, the less control it has over our lives.
So as I’ve begun to talk about it, I really have noticed that it is
decreasing. I feel more authentic. I’m able to have greater empathy
for others. I feel that I’m worthy of love and belonging.
Shame
is universal and one of the most primitive human emotions that we can
experience. (Think of Adam and Eve when they became aware that they were
naked.) The only people who don’t experience shame lack the capacity for
empathy and human connection.
Sometimes
we may want to think that shame is only felt by those who have suffered
horrible traumas. That isn’t true. We all experience it. And
while we tend to think that shame is relegated to the dark closets of our
lives, it actually makes itself known in more common areas: appearance
and body image, parenting, work, money, health, aging, addiction, religion,
etc.
Shame
thrives in an environment of silence, secrecy, and judgment.
Under these conditions, shame becomes toxic.
The
opposite of shame is empathy. On a continuum, with shame on one
end and empathy on the other, the control knob that moves us from one side to
the other is vulnerability. The less vulnerable I am, the more I
am on the shame side. The more vulnerable I am, the closer I get to the
empathy side.
Numbing
My Emotions
It’s
hard to go through life feeling that I’m “bad” and that I’m a disappointment to
God and others. So I learned how to numb those emotions. The problem
with this is that we can’t selectively numb emotions. I can’t say, “I
think I’ll numb shame, anger, insecurity and regret, but I’d like to still feel
happiness, excitement, gratitude and peace.” When I choose to suppress
any emotions, I suppress them all. Consequently, I also suppressed my
ability to feel the Spirit. And that’s a lonely and dangerous place to
be.
Taken
to an extreme, this is where addictions show up. We anesthetize to make
us feel good. The world uses alcohol, drugs, sex, pornography, gambling,
etc. I could never go there, because those were obviously against the
rules. But there are other addictions that are easier to justify:
staying busy, keeping control, compulsive shopping, food, extreme
exercise, caretaking, being organized, and social networking. These are
harder to see as potentially destructive.
So as
I've begun to allow myself to feel again, I’m better able to recognize and
label my emotions. The “negative” ones are less threatening to me.
And I’m learning better ways to express them.
Black-and-White
Thinking
Part
of my OCD is the tendency toward all-or-nothing thinking. I have to be
perfect or I’m a failure. It’s like there’s no middle ground or gray
area. I use words like “always” and “never,” “ultra” and “uber.”
Life is either wonderful or horrible. If I’m not excellent at
something, then I’m simply mediocre, which is as bad as being awful.
This
thinking is also tied into comparison and competition. I’m always aware
of how others are doing and how my performance compares with theirs. If
I’m only getting the 2nd highest grade in a class, it’s devastating.
Since
I've recognized this tendency in myself, I’m better able to be content with
lowered expectations. When I hear my mind thinking in black and white, I know how to talk back in appropriate
ways. One scripture that helps me here is that “it is not requisite that
a man should run faster than he has strength.” (Mosiah 4:27)
To be continued . . . with Part 4.
