Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist - Part 2

For a large part of my life, especially the past seven years, I’ve felt “stuck”—like something was impeding my progress.  I felt like there was something significant that I wasn’t experiencing, but was supposed to be.  I couldn’t put my finger on it.  I’d hear people talk about certain concepts that should have been so simple to understand, but they were just not penetrating my head nor my heart.  

When I look back now, I can see that I truly was progressing, just so incrementally that I didn’t recognize what was happening.  The Lord was laying a foundation for what He was going to do with me.  There are numerous remarkable experiences I've had, which at the time didn’t seem that big, but it really was a “line upon line” process where one bit of understanding led to the next, and so on.  

Things really started to change in 2011, when a conference talk by Pres. Eyring made a particular impression on me.  I acted on those impressions, and they led to a series of good decisions that guided me in the direction I needed to go.  The most important changes I needed to make were regarding the condition of my heart.  

In the fall of 2014, I was attending a workshop with my wife.  The speaker shared some ideas that resonated with me.  I spoke with him afterward and felt that he could help me break through whatever barriers were keeping me stuck.  It turns out that he was a therapist, and he agreed to meet with me.  

It didn’t take long for him to recognize in me the symptoms of shame.  

Once I knew what I was fighting, that recognition helped me identify how shame really is the birthplace of perfectionism.  

I also recognized that my feelings of shame were directly related with my inability to feel God’s love for me and to believe that I am worthy of love and grace.

Following are some of the concepts and “aha” moments that have helped me in this journey.

God Loves Me

In the past couple of months, I’ve had several experiences when I’ve truly felt God’s love for me.  It’s not just an intellectual assumption or something I learned in Sunday School and then repeated.  Other people may have these frequently, and so they are perhaps not that unique to them, but for me, they are a different and very important part of my recovery.  Here are a few that were life-changing and really have stuck with me.  

I was reading the January 2015 Ensign magazine.  Elder LeGrand R. Curtis’ article entitled “He Ran, and Fell on His Neck, and Kissed Him” recounts the parable of the prodigal son.  I’ve read and heard this parable many times, and I always thought I understood the point of it.  But this time (I’m sure it was because of the new heart God is giving me), I finally saw the father in the story as my Father, and the son as me.  The son “came to himself” and determines to go back home.  The father isn’t standing there on the porch with his hands on his hips with a “well, it’s about time you came to your senses” look.  Rather, while the son is “yet a great way off,” the father sees him, has compassion on him, runs to him, falls on his neck, and kisses him.  As I read this I was overwhelmed with the Father’s love for me!  It was very real and it filled my heart, something I’m not used to, but am becoming increasingly grateful for.

I found an incredible song.  The first time I heard it, I wept as I realized that this song, like no other I’ve found, expresses what has happened in me over the past few months, since:

• I followed a prompting and started seeing my therapist
• I was directed to the work of Brené Brown
• I’ve found opportunities for expression and belonging
• I've stopped numbing my emotions
• I've started to reclaim my life from shame and OCD
• I've felt more my Father’s love for me than ever before!

Sorry to sound so dramatic, but this is truly powerful for me!  It’s what my heart has been craving all my life!  God is giving me so much hope for the future!  The song is The Glorious Unfolding by Steven Curtis Chapman.

I was studying a talk by Wendy Ulrich entitled Trusting in the Lord.  (She is the author of Weakness Is Not Sin, which has been a landmark read for me.)  As part of the talk, she invites her audience to participate in some guided imagery.  I participated and received a profound witness that God does, indeed, love me!  

I’m a member of my stake High Council, and we meet every other Sunday at 6:00am in the morning.  As part of those meetings, we often hear reports from missionaries who have just returned from their missions.   On one morning, all three returning missionaries shared, in their own individual ways, their testimonies of how we are “on God’s radar” and that he cares so much for even the weakest of His children.  The Spirit was strong and confirmed the truth of their words.  Tears rolled down my face, which is not something I let happen very often in public—I would typically hide it or suppress the feelings that were causing me to cry.  But this time I didn’t.  Why try and stop the very emotions I have prayed so much to be able to feel?  

 

Some Myths About Perfectionism

The following points are taken right from Brené Brown’s The Gifts of Imperfection, which is a must-read for anyone really struggling with this issue.

• Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be your best. Perfectionism is not about healthy achievement and growth. Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame. It’s a shield. Perfectionism is a twenty-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from taking flight.
• Perfectionism is not self-improvement. Perfectionism is, at its core, about trying to earn approval and acceptance. Most perfectionists were raised being praised for achievement and performance (grades, manners, rule-following, people-pleasing, appearance, sports). Somewhere along the way, we adopt this dangerous and debilitating belief system: I am what I accomplish and how well I accomplish it. Please. Perform. Perfect. Healthy striving is self­-focused—How can I improve?  Perfectionism is other-focused—What will they think?

Understanding the difference between healthy striving and perfectionism is critical to laying down the shield and picking up your life. Research shows that perfectionism hampers success.  In fact, it’s often the path to depression, anxiety, addiction, and life-paralysis.  Life-­paralysis refers to all of the opportunities we miss because we’re too afraid to put anything out in the world that could be imperfect. It’s also all of the dreams that we don’t follow because of our deep fear of failing, making mistakes, and disappointing others. It’s terrifying to risk when you’re a perfectionist; your self-worth is on the line.

• Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, live perfectly, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.
• Perfectionism is self-destructive simply because there is no such thing as perfect. Perfection is an unattainable goal. Additionally, perfectionism is more about perception—we want to be perceived as perfect. Again, this is unattainable—there is no way to control per­ception, regardless of how much time and energy we spend trying.
• Perfectionism is addictive because when we invariably do experience shame, judgment, and blame, we often believe it's because we weren’t perfect enough. So rather than questioning the faulty logic of perfectionism, we become even more entrenched in our quest to live, look, and do everything just right.
• Feeling shamed, judged, and blamed (and the fear of these feelings) are realities of the human experience. Perfectionism actually increases the odds that we’ll experience these painful emotions and often leads to self-blame: It’s my fault. I’m feeling this way because “I’m not good enough.”

To be continued . . . with Part 3.