Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist - Part 12

I’d like to return to a topic I discussed in Part 3—Shame.  Brené Brown, who I consider to be one of the foremost experts on shame research, teaches that “the less we talk about shame, the more we have it.”  Conversely, the more we talk about it, the less we have it.  So let’s talk some more about it.

Brené Brown defines shame as “the intensely painful feeling or experience that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of connection or belonging.”  By identifying shame and acknowledging it in my life, I take the first step toward managing shame instead of letting shame manage me.  

Everyone experiences shame, but when I am subjected to it on a regular basis without the chance to rebuild trust, I internalize it and it becomes toxic.  

The other foremost expert on shame is John Bradshaw.  His book “Healing the Shame that Binds Us” is a New York Times #1 Bestseller and has helped millions identify their personal shame, understand the underlying reasons for it, address these root causes, and release themselves from the shame that binds them to their past failures.

Rather than summarize Bradshaw’s teachings here, I highly recommend that you simply watch his video of the same name as his book.  It consists of six segments, each one less than 10 minutes in length.  So in less than an hour, you can watch them all on YouTube.  Set aside an hour when you can focus.  Start with Part 1 and then continue with the other five.  He’s not only very knowledgeable, but he’s also a dynamic and engaging presenter.

One difference between the teachings of Brené Brown and John Bradshaw is that Bradshaw differentiates between “healthy shame” and “toxic shame.” Brené, on the other hand differentiates between “guilt” and “shame.”  I prefer this distinction, since I feel that shame is never healthy.  Guilt, however, can be beneficial when it causes us to repent. (See Alma 42:29)

I remember when someone first suggested that perhaps I might be experiencing some shame, based upon my reactions to some incidents.  I was in complete denial—not because I disagreed with the diagnosis, but because I was oblivious to shame and its effects.  How grateful I am now that I can recognize it for what it is, and that I am learning to be shame resilient.  

To be continued .. . with Part 13.