Recently, for our weekly date night, my wife and I attended the popular Disney-Pixar animated film, Inside Out. We loved it! Not only was it very entertaining; it was also quite instructional. It illustrated the significance emotions play in our day-to-day lives.
Numbing Emotions
In Part 3 of this blog I wrote about the fact that we sometimes tend to numb our emotions, to avoid feeling pain and discomfort. (See also Of Wounds and Walls in Part 5.) As children, we were sometimes taught that it’s not OK to express our emotions. “Don’t be a scaredy cat!” “Big boys don’t cry!” “Don’t be angry at your sister!” So it’s easy to see why it became easier to just suppress those emotions.
I’ve lived the major portion of my life quite numb to my emotions. It resulted in the inability to connect deeply with others.
I remember once years ago when a friend of mine, realizing that I had difficulty attaching in relationships, recommended that I read the book “Human Intimacy” by Dr. Victor L. Brown, Jr. I started reading it and it was like a foreign language, Greek to me. I had no peg to hang it on. I got nothing out of it except maybe feeling more shamed. I was so numb emotionally, I was intellectualizing, trying to understand something in my head, not able to get it into my heart. Others might try over and over to explain these concepts to me, but for someone so numb, it just doesn’t penetrate. There’s no way to internalize it. That was me.
The Spirit of God Works Through Our Feelings
Spiritually, there’s a problem with being so numb. The still, small voice can’t get through very much. Here’s how it might happen for a perfectionist:
I try to do my best to keep all the commandments. I do all of the basics religiously -- read my scriptures, pray, hold Family Home Evening, attend my meetings, serve others, etc. And I’m hoping to feel joy.
But because I’m numb to me emotions, I’m not getting any spiritual nourishment. Those things become more and more frustrating.
So I decide that I must need to read an extra chapter in the scriptures every day, fast twice a month instead of just once a month, pray harder, go to the temple more often . . .
I’m doing all of the “primary” expectations, but I’m not getting anything. I want it to be a cure all but is’t not working.
One of the problems with not being able connect with others, is that I also am not able to connect well with the Lord. Maybe there’s been a father-injury. We not only experience that with our earthly fathers, but we also can experience that with our Heavenly Father. Often times there’s resentment.
And to avoid feeling pain, we sometimes go into promise-making: “God, if I do these five things that I’ve been counseled to do time and time again, and do them religiously and without fail (taking that perfectionistic stance), then you will reach down and remove this adversity from me. And then I’ll know you exist. Then I’ll be more faithful, more certain in my faith.”
But that doesn’t work very well. That’s not His way.
Certainly, in certain circumstances He could do that. But to develop that intimacy with Him, He wants us to come to Him in meekness, in humility, not demanding certain outcomes. He wants us to recognize our absolute dependence on Him. This is at odds with our perfectionism. We feel like we need to be perfect, to be self-sufficient (self-righteous) before we can approach Him.
The Paradox
I love the teachings of Pres. Uchtdorf about our relationship with God:
“While we may look at the vast expanse of the universe and say, ‘What is man in comparison to the glory of creation?’ God Himself said we are the reason He created the universe! His work and glory—the purpose for this magnificent universe—is to save and exalt mankind (see Moses 1:38–39). … Our Heavenly Father created the universe that we might reach our potential as His sons and daughters.
“This is a paradox of man: compared to God, man is nothing; yet we are everything to God. While against the backdrop of infinite creation we may appear to be nothing, we have a spark of eternal fire burning within our breast. We have the incomprehensible promise of exaltation—worlds without end—within our grasp. And it is God’s great desire to help us reach it” (Dieter F. Uchtdorf, “You Matter to Him,” Ensign, Nov. 2011, 20).
As I learn to identify, honor, and appropriately express my emotions, I open up myself to the possibility of feeling true joy. I also allow myself to feel God’s Spirit more in my life.
To be continued . . . with Part 7.
