I’m on my stake High Council, which means I speak at each of the wards in the stake once a year. In my preparations for speaking I typically contact the bishop and ask if there is a particular topic he would like me to address. Usually they say to just talk about whatever I’ve been studying. I make it a matter of prayer so I can hopefully do the Lord’s will in each instance. Every time this year so far, I’ve been able to choose my own topic. And since Perfectionism has been a major part of my study lately, in each ward I’ve felt impressed to speak on Perfection.
It isn’t your typical High Council talk. It’s quite soul-baring for me, since I’ve lived in this stake for more than 20 years and know many of these people. I basically share my story (see Part 1 of this blog) and then supplement it with scriptures and illustrations, as I feel prompted.
It’s remarkable to see how many people talk with me afterward saying essentially “You really get me,” and asking for a copy of the talk. So I point them to this blog.
When I feel that someone understands me, there’s an immediate connection with that person. In our interactions we can usually skip from square one to square two or three. So as these people look me in the eye, I see deeper than I normally would.
Here are a few examples of what has happened as a result of these speaking assignments:
A sister emailed me and said that she “desperately needed” the message. She suffers from PTSD as well and had been experiencing flare ups. She was grateful to know that someone else understands some of what she is going through.
A bishop’s wife told me that the talk was “an answer to prayer.” Their son is very talented and smart. But it seems like it is “never good enough” for him. They had known about their son’s challenge for some time, but didn’t have a name for it and didn’t know how to help him. They had been praying for help. He has since been meeting with a therapist and is progressing.
Right after the closing prayer, a young man came up to me and asked if I would give him a priesthood blessing. I must have hesitated because he said, “Your talk was my life story. I trust you to give me a blessing, because you understand me.” I asked, “Right now?” “Yes,” he replied. We found a room in the building that was vacant and his wife joined as I gave him the blessing. Because I have such strong feelings about this issue, I was afraid that I might say what I wanted him to hear and not what the Lord wanted me to say. But I felt that the words were inspired. We all cried. Afterward, we talked for awhile. I agreed to be a mentor for him and we have met since to discuss his challenges and progress. (Disclaimer: I have not received any training as a therapist or a counselor. So my mentorship is based solely on my own research and experience.)
One thing I learned from this experience with this young couple: As much of a challenge as this is for the perfectionist, it is equally challenging for the spouse. Because I had been numbing my feelings for years, my wife was experiencing a husband who was detached emotionally. Where does that detachment and lack of connection come from?
Here’s how the story played out for many of us:
Of Wounds and Walls
Because of childhood wounds, we saw the world as an unsafe place. And so we built walls to protect us from the pain. These wounds and walls were often subconscious. We weren’t aware of what was happening and were too young to understand it.
The wounds caused us to start to numb ourselves to the pain.
The walls caused us to isolate ourselves. We lost the ability to bond, attach, and connect with others. We felt flawed, broken, defective, and unlovable.
We moved in to survival mode.
We created false selves—masks, facades, projections of a happy and “good” kid.
We worked hard to appear like everything was OK, like we had it all together.
All the while, we felt more and more ashamed of who we were.
Learning to Be Authentic
To learn to live authentically, we needed to make changes both internally and interpersonally.
Internally, we needed to become whole within ourselves and accept ourselves totally, rather than repressing, or hiding parts of ourselves. It required the capacity to feel and tolerate the full range of our own feelings, which can sometimes seem conflicting, confusing, and painful. And it required the ability to integrate these feelings, along with our beliefs about ourselves, others, and the world into a personality that could meet the challenges of life and relationships.
Interpersonally, we needed to develop the ability to be fully present and assertive in relationships to the degree appropriate and to respond out of our genuine selves in those relationships.
This entire process required facing fear in a profound and new way. We had to let down our defenses in order to re–enter internal conflicts that we had previously considered too painful to touch. And we needed to venture into the areas where illogical, uncomfortable, and unpredictable emotions exist.
We then began to carry our newfound assertiveness and clarity into the real world of relationships. We begin to allow others to see our feelings in the present. We become able to reveal ourselves to others and stay in relationships rather than defensively detaching.
To be continued . . . with Part 6.
