Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist - Part 1

When I was a kid, I somehow got the idea that I needed to be perfect to make it to heaven.  (“Be ye therefore perfect . . .” Matt 5:48.)  So my whole life I worked at it.  I had what is called a perfectionist OCD.  I felt that in order for me to be worthy, I needed to keep all the rules and commandments.  My self-worth was tied to my accomplishments and achievements.  If I got good grades, won the spelling bee, placed in the science fair, received my Boy Scout awards, dove off the high-dive, made the select choir, etc. — then I was able to feel good about myself.  I was very judgmental of myself and others.

Here’s a definition of perfectionism:  A disposition to regard anything short of perfection as unacceptable.

I remember a Primary teacher teaching us about the importance of keeping the commandments.  In my perception, she painted a picture of a God who was constantly watching me from above with a clipboard where He marked a black mark every time I did something wrong.  The hymn only seemed to substantiate that:  “Angels above us are silent notes taking, of every action, then do what is right.”  (If I could look back now at a video of that Primary class, I believe that what my teacher said was probably very appropriate and true.  But we “color” the things we experience and put our own spin on them based on our beliefs and perceptions.  So I probably heard what I wanted to hear and built it out of proportion.)

 Of course, it’s impossible to be perfect in this life.  But that didn't stop me from trying.  I had to-do lists, routines, self affirmations, etc.  I figured that if I could just be extremely organized, then I could manage to get closer to perfection.

I had a hard time feeling that I was worthy, unless I was working really hard at it.  Even though I sang “I feel my Savior’s love” and “yes, I know Heavenly Father loves me,” it was mostly words I sang, without the understanding of what they meant. 

I didn’t feel that God or others could really love me if I made mistakes.  I felt that I was flawed, defective, and “broken” as a human being most of the time.

There were times when I felt better, like on my mission, or in the Young Ambassadors, or when I was a bishop.  But most other times, I have struggled to really feel the Lord’s love.

I thought that if I were ever going to make it to heaven, I’d have to earn my way there by being “good.”  The scriptures teach that we are all sinners and that no unclean thing can enter into the kingdom of heaven.  So whenever I did something “bad,” it took a heavy toll on my self-worth, and I began to doubt that I could actually make it to heaven.

I also was overly concerned of what others thought about me and how I appeared to them.  So I became proficient at putting on a false front.  I had to look like I had it all together, even though I didn't.  Often, I was barely surviving, because of the stress caused by maintaining that facade and keeping up with all of the expectations. 

I learned about repentance and that it was possible because of the Savior’s Atonement, but it seemed to have a negative connotation.  Because of the sacrifice and suffering of Christ, I was able to repent, but if I had to keep sinning and repenting, sinning and repenting my whole life, I’d never be able to cross it off my list as something I had completed or accomplished.  Also, my approach to repentance was making sure I followed the Five Steps to Repentance (recognize, sorrow, confess, ask forgiveness, forsake) so I could cross them off one at a time.  It was less about involving the Savior in the process. 

Now that I’m older and am getting a better handle on my OCD, I realize that I have inherent worth as God’s son.  He does want me to progress and become more like Him, but his love isn't based on my obedience or my accomplishments.  His love is (and always has been) unconditional.  There’s nothing I could do to make Him stop loving me.  I've always “known” this intellectually, but I didn't always feel it in my heart.

Now I know that my worth to God doesn't fluctuate.  I had previously felt that my self-worth gauge went up and down like a little meter.  If I made a mistake, the marker on the meter went down.  Then I had to do something good to make the marker go up, like volunteer for a service project, or read an extra chapter in the scriptures, or do some family history, or be a better friend, or clean the house, or fast longer than 24 hours, or “something” to make up for it. 

I now realize that the Savior’s atonement covers not only my sins, but also my inadequacies, my disappointments, my weaknesses, my infirmities, my carelessness, and my lack of talent, and that it compensates for all of the trials, the unfairness, and bitterness of mortal life. 

I wish it hadn't taken me 50+ years to figure this out.  I don’t blame anyone for how I felt.  It was my own faulty perceptions and ways of thinking.

Apparently, I’m not the only one who has struggled with perfectionism.  I can show you a lot of research and studies that show that a high number of Latter-day Saints and people from other religious backgrounds have a similar mentality.  And the church leaders are also aware of it.  You may have noticed recently that more general conference talks have addressed this issue, especially Elder Scott, Elder Holland, and President Uchtdorf.  (Or maybe it just seems that way to me because that’s what I hear them saying.)  Elder Cecil O. Samuelson, of the Seventy, and former president of BYU, spoke to the missionaries at the MTC in Provo about it.  It seems that one of the main causes of missionaries returning early from their missions is this issue.

Here’s the real confession:  Since I had this perfectionist OCD, I also mistakenly expected perfection from everyone else, and was judgmental when they erred.  I apologize for that.

I want to testify of the power of the Savior to deliver us from our ailments.  This includes incorrect ways of thinking.  Through His Atonement, we can receive healing from the damage we experience.

Resources for Understanding and Overcoming Perfectionism