Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist - Part 30

Worth vs. Worthiness

One of the issues with which I have struggled my whole life is the concept of worthiness.  I have equated perfection and worthiness.  Unless I was perfect, I wasn’t worthy—which means I was never worthy.  I felt guilty taking the sacrament because I wasn’t perfect (worthy).  I felt guilty entering the temple because I wasn’t perfect (worthy).  Of course, I took the sacrament and I went to the temple, because I was supposed to and doing so would mean I was more worthy than if I didn’t.  But it’s rough going through life always feeling like I can never be worthy.  It takes a toll on my self-worth.  

In the latest General Women’s session of conference, Sister Joy D. Jones talked about this very issue.  I loved what she said:

Let me point out the need to differentiate between two critical words: worth and worthiness. They are not the same. Spiritual worth means to value ourselves the way Heavenly Father values us, not as the world values us. Our worth was determined before we ever came to this earth. On the other hand, worthiness is achieved through obedience. If we sin, we are less worthy, but we are never worth less. We continue to repent and strive to be like Jesus with our worth intact.

I also really like what Elder Marvin J. Ashton said about worthiness vs. perfection:

Over the past number of weeks I have had some conversations that have made me ponder the meaning of the word worthy. As I recently talked to a young twenty-year-old man, I discussed his attitude about going on a mission. He said, “I wanted to go, but I am not worthy.”

“Who made that judgment?” I asked.

“I did,” was his answer.

On another occasion I asked a young lady who was contemplating marriage if she was going to the temple. She said, “I would like to, but I am not worthy.” In response to the same question of who determined her unworthiness, she too said, “I did.”

A member mother who had known for many weeks that her daughter had planned a temple marriage was asked if she was going to attend the temple ceremony. “No. I am not worthy to get a temple recommend,” she answered.

Each of these people seemed to have made his own determination about worthiness. When we take it upon ourselves to pass self-judgment and simply declare, “I am not worthy,” we build a barrier to progress and erect blockades that prevent our moving forward. We are not being fair when we judge ourselves.

It occurs to me that there are probably hundreds or even thousands who do not understand what worthiness is. Worthiness is a process, and perfection is an eternal trek. We can be worthy to enjoy certain privileges without being perfect.

To be continued . . . with Part 31

Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist - Part 29

My Neighbor’s Fence

Why is it that perfectionists fixate on things that are out of order?  I took an online OCD quiz and got a perfect score.  It showed pictures of objects that were similar but in each case one was slightly off-center.  If you could spot the one that wasn’t symmetrical, you got a point.  

Each morning when I exercise outside I go past my neighbor’s fence.  It’s a long fence with a lot of pickets.  But every time I run past, I notice a small area of one picket that’s broken.  It’s sad that of all 983 pickets in his fence (yes, my perfectionism required me to count them all), I focus on the one that’s imperfect.

I met a woman recently, and as we talked, my eyes kept moving to a small mole she had by her nose.  I couldn’t just talk with her without that blemish commanding my attention.  It wasn’t even a big one.  

There’s a painting in an area where I work, with a grid of squares.  One of the squares is slightly twisted.  I always see that one first.  
Even when I’m in the temple, which is a pretty perfect place, I notice if there’s a ding in the edge of the woodwork, or if the curtain isn’t hanging straight.  

What’s up with this?  Why does it bother me when the world isn’t perfect?  Why do I want to go up and straighten a picture frame that’s crooked?  

I think probably the underlying tendency is good.  A healthy striving for perfection is good.  It keeps us on the right track.  But perfectionism is a misguided, telestial approach to becoming perfect.  The correct approach to perfection is striving to come unto Christ.  The more we work toward that, the more we are perfected in Him.  And the more we allow Him to perfect us, the more we become like Him.  It’s the gradual, but mighty change of heart that accompanies our conversion.

And when His will is our focus, we don’t fixate unnecessarily on small dings or misaligned objects.  We see a larger, more significant picture.  We let unimportant flaws fall by the way and set our sights on higher priorities.  

To be continued . . . with Part 30

Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist - Part 28

I Missed a Month

Since I started this blog, I’ve been pretty good about posting each month—actually, I’ve been perfect at it. But I missed posting one in June.  So here we are at the end of July and I’m posting again.  Perfectionists often are somewhat bound by routine and compliance.  My perfectionistic tendency would cause me to feel that it’s not OK to miss a month. Besides the fact that June was ludicrous, I decided to let it be OK—as part of my recovery—to miss a month. July has been more cooperative.  

Loving Myself

“And if I asked you to name all the things that you love, how long would it take for you to name yourself?”

I recently saw this question on social media. It hit home. For a perfectionist, it’s difficult to love myself unless I’m performing up to expectations.  

Here’s a conundrum:  

The Savior taught that “whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it” (Matt. 16:25).

I’ve often heard that you can’t give something to others that you don’t have yourself.

Elder Holland taught: “You have to have something in the tank before you can give it to others.”  

The scriptures teach that “the inward vessel shall be cleansed first” (Alma 60:23) and I’m instructed to “first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother’s eye” (Matt. 7:5).

So if I’m struggling to love and understand myself, can I really love and understand others?  

Actually, I don’t think it’s that black and white. I believe there have been times when I’ve been able to give beyond what I own. If my intent is to do it “for my sake”—meaning the Savior’s sake, then he will augment my ability to give. And I’ll be enabled to accomplish more than I would with my own natural capabilities.  

As a perfectionist, I’ve also tended to be a pleaser. But with that mentality, the most important person for me to:

    • connect with

    • show compassion for

    • respect

    • be kind to

    • care about

    • be gentle with

    • accept

    • etc.

—is myself.  When I can do that adequately, then it’s much easier to do for others—with the right motives.  

To be continued . . . with Part 29

Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist - Part 27

Connection

In her book Daring Greatly, Brené Brown says:  “Connection is why we’re here; it is what gives purpose and meaning to our lives. The power that connection holds in our lives was confirmed when the main concern about connection emerged as the fear of disconnection; the fear that something we have done or failed to do, something about who we are or where we come from, has made us unlovable and unworthy of connection.”

We need to feel like we belong, like we are loved and accepted.  When we don’t, it’s painful.  Naomi Eisenberger, professor of Social Psychology and Director of the Social and Affective Neuroscience Laboratory at UCLA teaches:  The experience of social pain, while temporarily distressing and hurtful, is an evolutionary adaptation that promotes social bonding and, ultimately, survival. “That hurt my feelings.” “My heart was broken.” If you listen closely to the ways in which people describe their experiences of social rejection, you will notice an interesting pattern: we use words representing physical pain to describe these psychologically distressing events. In fact, in the English language we have few means of expressing rejection-related feelings other than with words typically reserved for physical pain. Moreover, using such words to describe experiences of social rejection or exclusion is common to many languages and not unique to English.

Scientific research shows that reaching out to others can help us cope with the trials of life more effectively.  

That’s why we have 12-step support groups, the Addiction Recovery Program.  The opposite of addiction is not sobriety, but human connection.  

Often, those who deal with addiction, perfectionism, shame, and many other struggles, tend to pull back, to withdraw, to isolate themselves.  But when they turn toward others and reach out, healing occurs at a faster rate.  

It takes effort to develop friendships and to ask others to be part of our support network.  But it’s worth the effort.  As human beings, we’re designed to connect with others.  No man is an island.  One of the purposes of a church is to provide opportunities for fellowship.  Pres. Hinckley often taught that we all need a friend.  According to God, it isn’t good to be alone.  We’re all part of one large eternal family.  

To be continued . . . with Part 28

Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist - Part 26

Fear vs. Love

I recently finished the book “The Four Agreements” by don Miguel Ruiz.  I really enjoyed it and found that much of it aligned with other concepts I’ve learned over the past few years.  One of the ideas he teaches is that fear is the main cause of suffering.  And that emotions such as anger, envy, shame, guilt, hopelessness, and jealousy are secondary emotions based on fear.  

Ruiz refers to people who decide to embrace the four agreements and generate love and joy in their life as spiritual warriors. It is warfare because you are confronting the old fear-based beliefs in your brain. It may take a few weeks to break free from fear, the oppressiveness of the inner critic, and old emotional habits. Some battles may be lost along the way, but that is to be expected as you invite love and joy into your heart and your life.

The battle of the spiritual warrior is for personal freedom—freedom from fear, delusions, and the fear-based belief system that has controlled your mind. Essentially, it means to win the battle over the beliefs from the past. As you achieve personal freedom, you become free from the emotional suffering caused by your fears. This freedom allows you to live a life of gratitude, non judgment, and love for self and others.   

As I studied this book, I was reminded of phrases from Elder Uchtdorf’s recent Conference talk, Perfect Love Casteth Out Fear.  Here are four of my favorite paragraphs:

My message has two purposes today: The first is to urge us to contemplate and consider the extent to which we use fear to motivate others—including ourselves. The second is to suggest a better way.

It is true that fear can have a powerful influence over our actions and behavior. But that influence tends to be temporary and shallow. Fear rarely has the power to change our hearts, and it will never transform us into people who love what is right and who want to obey Heavenly Father.

People who are fearful may say and do the right things, but they do not feel the right things. They often feel helpless and resentful, even angry. Over time these feelings lead to mistrust, defiance, even rebellion.

My beloved friends, my dear brothers and sisters in Christ, if we ever find ourselves living in fear or anxiety, or if we ever find that our own words, attitudes, or actions are causing fear in others, I pray with all the strength of my soul that we may become liberated from this fear by the divinely appointed antidote to fear: the pure love of Christ, for “perfect love casteth out fear” (1 John 4:18).

Being a perfectionist, I’ve struggled with the expectation of having the “perfect” love that casteth out fear.  But I don’t believe this means my love has to be perfect.  Only the pure love of Christ is perfect.  And as I strive to become more like Him, He will perfect my efforts, which will bring the spiritual confidence to dispel fear and invite Love.  

To be continued . . . with Part 27

Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist - Part 25

My whole life I’ve been a grammar-Nazi.  

Somehow, as a kid in elementary school, grammar rules and mechanics came easy to me.  I quickly caught on to concepts like subject/verb agreements, direct/indirect objects, and prepositional phrases.

I not only held myself to a high standard of using the English language, but I also had high expectations of others.  

Living most of my life in Southern Utah and Eastern Idaho, I’ve associated with a lot of down-home folk, who are unaware of many rules and expectations.  They mostly just speak and write as they’ve been brought up.  

One misuse that has driven me crazy is: “these dishes need washed,” “the lawn needs mowed,” “this floor needs vacuumed,” “the cat wants fed,” “that baby needs changed,” etc.  Technically, they are deleting the infinitive.  The correct phrasing would be either “these dished need to be washed” or “these dishes need washing.”  

Another one that grates on me is “we seen him at the reunion ” instead of “we saw him at the reunion;” or “we was just sittin’ down for lunch” instead of “we were just sitting down for lunch.’  The pronoun and verb need to be in agreement.

Much of social media is written.  In the past, when reading a blog or Facebook post, my perfectionistic self would focus and obsess on spotting errors:  your vs. you’re, their vs. there vs. they’re, loose vs. lose, should of vs. should’ve, etc.  I prided myself on being able to catch someone in an incorrect use, and then mentally (and sometime publicly) berated them for their lack.

This was all brought to my attention when I was listening again to a conference talk.  In a recent General Conference, one of the Brethren gave a talk about how stumbling blocks can complicate and confuse us in our growth toward becoming like the Lord.  

At one point he mispronounced “grievous.”  I immediately began a mental conversation about how an apostle should know better, and that someone should’ve caught it in the teleprompter rehearsal, and that people lose credibility when they mispronounce something before a large audience, etc., etc.  Meanwhile, because of my mental analysis I didn’t hear what he was teaching for a while after that.  I missed out because of my inability to overlook the mistake.  

Ironically, the very concept he was trying to make was about how a stumbling block can prevent someone from progressing.  It was not lost on me.  

I’m also aware that I typically can’t see my own typographical errors.  (You may have noticed some in my posts.)  So if I expect others to be nonjudgmental of my writing, I need to reciprocate.  

Although my OCD toward correct grammar has been significant throughout my life, in recent months/years, it has begun to diminish.  As I’m recovering, I’ve noticed that it doesn’t affect me as often or as strongly.  I’m able to more easily just let it go.  

To be continued . . . with Part 26

Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist - Part 24

This is Part 24, which means I’ve been posting to this blog every month for two years.  Over the past few months, I’ve been noticing that I’m having fewer issues with perfectionism than I had in the past.  If this keeps up I may need to stop writing this blog, since the initial premise was to document what I’m learning about my perfectionism.

In other words, I’m progressing, getting healthier, in recovery, doing my work, trusting the process.  My therapist is also noticing my improvement.  If this keeps up, I may need to stop seeing him as often.  

So if I’m having fewer issues, why is that?  To what can I attribute my progress?  

Ultimately, I give the Lord the credit.  He led me to my therapist.  He brought healing resources into my life.  He is changing my heart and mind.  There are many factors contributing to my improved emotional health surrounding perfectionism, but I glorify God for the tender mercies.

From a therapeutic standpoint, I’d have to say that the most significant help has been an understanding of faculty core beliefs and how they have affected me for most of my life.  Faulty core beliefs usually develop at a young age and are sometimes unconscious.  So identifying them is an important part to overcoming them.  

Faulty: false

Core: about our souls

Belief: how we perceive and value

Typical faulty core beliefs are:

I’m not _______ enough.  (Insert the adjective -- good, smart, thin, happy, rich, young, etc.)

I’m not loveable.

I’ll never get it right.

I’m not worthy.

I’m inadequate.

I’m bad.

I’m defective.

The interesting thing is: these are not just faulty thoughts, but faulty beliefs.  Intellectually, I get the fact that I’m smart, worthwhile, valuable, and good.  But beliefs are beyond just my thoughts; they are seated in my emotions.  So while I might have a cognitive understanding of my value, I have a hard time believing it.  It’s a head vs. heart problem.  

If it is my belief that I am flawed in some way, regardless of any proof I may have to the contrary, that belief becomes my truth and I will behave in a way that validates my perception of reality.

Faulty core beliefs are also closely tied to shame.  That’s why my therapist has worked with me on becoming shame-resilient while we have also been working on improving my core belief system.

As I’m doing my work, I’m less perfectionistic.  I have a healthier outlook for the future.

Actually, to think I won’t have issues with perfectionism in the future is idealistic.  It’s difficult to change something that has been so ingrained for so many years.  But the fact is, I’m experiencing less suffering than in the past.  I’m in a better place now than I’ve ever been.

To be continued . . . with Part 25