Pride and Perfectionism
Perfectionism is tied to self-worth. If I can just do things perfectly then I can feel better about myself.
Prophets have taught that we are a royal generation, for generations. That we have been saved for these last days to come forth when our gifts and abilities are most needed.
My patriarchal blessing says that I was one of the valiant in the premortal life. My wife’s says that she will marry a noble son of our father in Heaven.
So with all of this evidence about my greatness, why have I still suffered from low self-worth? You’d think it would be the opposite. You’d think I would suffer from pride and a sense of my “specialness.” Actually, I do. President Ezra Taft Benson taught that “pride is the universal sin, the great vice.” And we perfectionists definitely have our issues with pride. Because I feel bad about myself, then I need to build myself up.
Comparing and Competing
As a kid, it shows up in boasting and bragging about my accomplishments. Comparing and competing become important ways for me to demonstrate that I measure up. As an adult, it’s the same thing.
For guys, all sorts of competitions are great ways to show how “good” I am at something—sports being the most prevalent. And even if I’m not good at football or hockey or car racing, I can still feel good about myself if my team wins. I get to vicariously win. And that makes me feel good about myself. Similarly, my ability to get a high-paying job and provide well for my family are indications of my worth. The need for “keeping up with the Joneses” is huge among perfectionists.
For gals, it’s often about appearance—the clothes I wear, being thin, using the right shade of eye shadow. Competing in pageants and programs, making the dance team or cheerleading squad, being asked to the prom by a cute guy—these show others that I am “good.” As a wife and mother, keeping my home well-decorated and immaculately clean are significant. Making sure that my children appear well-behaved and above normal are reflections on myself. Thus, I need to enroll them in all kinds of after-school activities so they can have the advantages I never had when I was their age.
I’m not saying that sports are bad, or that keeping a lovely home is bad. It’s comparing that can create the problem.
The Pride Cycle
The Book of Mormon shows over and over how the pride cycle led to the destruction of people and even entire civilizations. But I can experience that cycle within myself. The cycle shows how righteous and prosperity can lead to pride and wickedness.
How do I break that cycle? If I can remember God and stay humble and repentant, then I can avoid pride and wickedness.
But how do I remember God? Here are a few ideas.
The Primary answers of praying and studying the scriptures are great ways to focus on God. Reading about the Lord in the scriptures helps me to know Him better. Praying helps me to draw nearer to him. Both help us to “put on the whole armor” on a daily basis.
Practice gratitude—recognize God’s hand in my life. For a perfectionist, gratitude doesn’t come easily. It’s hard to be grateful when I feel flawed, inadequate, broken, and “not enough.” But just as I can practice other positive habits, I can practice gratitude. Each day, as part of my morning “mindfulness,” I write down three new things for which I’m thankful.
Serving others also helps me to better know Him. “For how knoweth a man the master whom he has not served?” (Mosiah 5:13). “When ye are in the service of your fellow beings ye are only in the service of your God” (Mosiah 2:17).
It should be obvious, but if I don’t remember the Lord, then I am in danger of forgetting Him—and heading down the destructive path of the Pride Cycle “Then beware lest thou forget the Lord” (Deut. 6:12). How do you remind yourself to stay focused on God throughout the day?
To be continued . . . with Part 24
