Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist - Part 42

Seeing God’s Hand in My Life

I’ve mentioned before on this blog that I struggle to feel God’s love for me.  Cognitively, I know He loves me, but I don’t always feel it in my heart.

The Lord says he will speak to us unto our understanding, plainly.  One way that I can notice the Lord speaking to me is through His tender mercies toward me, seeing His hand in my life.  The challenge is to recognize that.

Earlier this month, my wife and I went on a tour of Church history sites.  We were supposed to fly out of Salt Lake City on Labor Day (9/3), through Chicago, to our destination in Rochester, NY to join the tour group.  We would meet the tour bus at the hotel Tuesday morning at 9:00am and then leave for the sites near Palmyra. Here’s where it gets interesting.

Early Monday morning we had taxied out to the runway and were about to take off, when the captain’s voice came on, telling us we needed to return to the terminal because of an issue with a fuel pump.  He said it might take about 40 minutes to fix. We taxied back and waited. Soon, the captain came back on and told us we’d need to deplane. We went back inside the terminal and waited. After about 90 minutes we were allowed to board again.  By this time we knew we would miss our connecting flight in Chicago. As we neared Chicago we could see storm clouds. Because of the storm we were in a holding pattern for about 40 minutes before we could land. The runway was drenched and I was worried we might hydroplane as we touched down.  (We later learned that the severe thunderstorm had caused flash flooding, downed trees, multiple funnels, and a brief tornado. See the accompanying photo from www.weather.gov.)

So we were stuck in Chicago with no incoming or outgoing flights for awhile.  The airline had re-booked us on a later flight, but it was cancelled, as well as an even later flight which was also cancelled.  The next available flight would leave Tuesday afternoon with a layover in Charlotte, NC, arriving in Rochester on Wednesday afternoon.  At that point the tour group would be in Scranton, PA and we would have missed the first two days of sites.

We were discouraged and becoming desperate.  We finally said a prayer together, in the middle of a noisy, crowded airport terminal.  “God, if you want us to make this trip, we really need your help. If not, we’ll be OK with that, too.  But we’d really like to do this. We’ve felt good about it since last spring, and we still really want this.  Thy will be done.”

I emailed our children and their spouses and asked for their prayers.  We had both called the airline and talked with agents about our situation.  But since it was “weather related” we were out of luck; there was nothing they could do for us.  It was getting dark and we faced the possibility of spending the next two nights in the airport.

I was becoming frustrated.  Why was this happening to us?  Hadn’t we felt calm and at peace when we had prayed about this months earlier?  And now it was slipping away.

Then the thought came to me:  The adversary knows that this trip will be a blessing for you and he doesn’t want it to happen.  He’ll do all he can to prevent you from getting to Palmyra.

“God, we’re utterly dependent on you.  If we’re gonna make this tour, you’ve got to step in and help.  Please deliver us.”

While I was praying, my wife went to talk again with an agent at the service desk.  This time she somehow got someone who could help us. When he discovered that our situation wasn’t just weather related—that our plane had had a mechanical malfunction at 6:30am that morning in SLC—he took a different approach.  He booked us on a flight for early Tuesday morning on another airline, gave us meal vouchers, and a hotel voucher. Actually, that man wasn’t supposed to be there. He had stayed past his shift. She was the last one he helped.

We grabbed some food and took the shuttle to the hotel.  The moment we walked into the hotel lobby, the power went off.  Not just to the hotel, but to that section of the city. It was weather related.  We were able to check in by flashlight. At our room, the key card actually opened the door.  

We showered and got ready for bed by cell phone flashlight.  (This was really fortunate, because at the airport we had plugged in our devices and charged them.  Most of the outlets in the terminal were dead, but we happened to find the one with power.)

The new flight would depart early the next morning and arrive in Rochester after the tour bus had already left.  How would we get from the airport to catch up with the group? Then my wife remembered that her old visiting teacher—I mean ministering sister—and her husband were serving a temple mission at the Palmyra Temple.  She texted Sis. Ricks explaining our situation and asking if she knew of someone who lived in that area, maybe in their ward, who we could pay to pick us up at the airport and drive us—maybe an Uber driver? It was very late, so we didn’t expect a response.  

We slept a bit.  The power came on around midnight.  We woke up and took a 4:30am shuttle to the airport.  We caught the 6:30am flight and arrived in Rochester at about 9:30am.  Bro. and Sis. Ricks were at the airport waiting to meet us. (It just happened to be their preparation day, otherwise they would have had their temple assignment and wouldn’t have been able to help us.)  They drove us to the Hill Cumorah. We had about 15 minutes there before the bus left for the Grandin Print Shop in Palmyra. We ran to the top of the hill, shot some photos, ran back down, and boarded the bus.  We didn’t miss any of the tour sites.

For ten days we visited some of the most significant locations of the early church:  Palmyra; the Hill Cumorah; the Sacred Grove; Harmony, PA; Susquehanna; Kirtland; Independence; Liberty Jail; Far West; Adam-ondi-Ahman; Nauvoo; Carthage; and others.  We left with some great friends and some great memories, and with strengthened convictions of the restoration, the prophets, and the scriptures. (See the accompanying photo of me at the location of the School of the Prophets in Kirtland, OH.)

I don’t believe in coincidences.  As I look back, it’s obvious to me that the Lord’s hand was manifest several times.  I can’t deny it. There were numerous occasions on the tour when I felt the significance of those holy places.  All of these are evidence of His love. He spoke His love to me through His tender mercies at the beginning of the trip and throughout.  Glory be to God!

To be continued . . . with Part 43

Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist - Part 41

Not Them, but Us

Earlier this month in a meeting with my elders quorum, we had a discussion about some of the challenges that individuals face in life.  One man talked about his father, who announced to his family that he was transgender and subsequently left the Church. Another man told about his nephew who, after he returned from his mission, announced to the world online that he was gay, and how that was such a surprise to his family.  Other men talked about those in their families who had experienced a crisis of faith, a serious illness, a disability, and other challenges.

While I appreciate the vulnerability of these men opening up and being willing to share issues, I have a hope about this type of thinking and discussion:  

I also know a man in our ward who is transgender, although he hasn’t announced it to the world.  I know another man in our ward who experiences same gender attraction. I know a man in our ward who has experienced a period of spiritual darkness, another whose wife cheated on him, another who experiences depression and anxiety, another who has a porn addiction, another who has an eating disorder.  I myself have a perfectionism OCD. And the list of challenges could go on and on.

So my hope and request is this:  Since everyone has trials, weaknesses, issues, difficulties, and afflictions, instead of thinking and talking about “them,” “they,” and “those who experience [fill in the blank],” think of “them” as “us,” and “we,” because while you’re talking about “them,” “we” are sitting with you in that meeting.  

This is one way in which we can increase inclusion and unity in our congregations.  

Elder Uchtdorf taught:  I believe that all of us experience times when the very fabric of our world tears at the seams, leaving us feeling alone, frustrated, and adrift. It can happen to anyone. No one is immune. Everyone’s situation is different, and the details of each life are unique.

And Elder Ballard taught:  We need to embrace God’s children compassionately and eliminate any prejudice, including racism, sexism, and nationalism. Let it be said that we truly believe the blessings of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ are for every child of God.

To be continued . . . with Part 42

Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist - Part 40

Continue in Patience

My perfectionism provokes me to impatience.  I can see that I’m improving and getting better each day, but it isn’t happening fast enough for me.  My natural tendency is to want perfection quickly—overnight.

When I’m in my perfectionism I want God to walk through the door and instantaneously make me complete.  I want him to wipe away all my imperfections in one fell swoop.

But God’s nature is line upon line.  And I have to accept that. When He perfects, it happens incrementally, here a little and there a little.  If He were to walk through the door, I wouldn’t be living by faith anymore. So many answers would suddenly come into view.  Should I falter from that point, I’d be held accountable.

So it’s because of His love that He perfects us bit by bit.  What infants we truly are. And He loves us enough to respect our agency.  

The Apostle Paul was given a “thorn in the flesh,” lest he should be “exalted above measure” (1 Cor. 12:7).  This weakness, whatever it was, kept him human and was not removed.  It required Paul to learn patience and to continue growing gradually, even though he had been visited by the Lord.  

If I look up Patience in the Guide to the Scriptures, it says, “See also Endure; Meek, Meekness.”  So I can work on enduring to the end and meekness.  These two will help me see the thorns of life as essential to my learning.  

Two passages I really like refer to patience in the light of perfection:

Continue in patience until ye are perfected (D&C 67:13).

Let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire (James 1:4).

To be continued . . . with Part 41

Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist - Part 39

Inclusion

When I watched the “Be One” celebration earlier this month, I was spiritually touched and emotionally moved.  I wept as I heard of the history and challenges of black members of the Church, and of their tremendous faithfulness.  

I served my mission in 1975-1977, so that was before the Revelation on the Priesthood was received.  My second area was Queens, in New York City. A major street running east and west was Jamaica Avenue.  On the north side of that street lived mostly whites, and on the south side lived mostly blacks. Although both the north and south sides were in our assigned area, we seldom went into the south side.  My companion (who was just finishing his mission) explained to me that proselyting among blacks wasn’t very productive, because once they learned they couldn’t hold the priesthood, they wouldn’t want to hear anymore.  I remember thinking that there were potentially enough people on that south side to create a whole ‘nother ward.

Growing up in St. George, nearly everyone I knew was caucasian.  There were a few Native Americans who lived on the reservation nearby.  I met a few Hispanics and Polynesians. But no African Americans. I mostly saw them on TV and in movies.  Often they were depicted as slaves. And I learned about Pre-Civil War slavery in history classes at school.  I didn’t really hear any racist remarks from family or others. So I didn’t understand about segregation or or the civil rights movement.  When Martin Luther King, Jr. was assassinated, I was 12. I don’t remember hearing about it in the news. The first time I really thought about it was when I heard a popular song, “Abraham, Martin, and John.”  

Then, after my mission, I went to BYU and spent time with Isaac Thomas—we were in the Young Ambassadors together.  [Isaac and I are at the far left in this group photo.] He was such an amazing man! He was the first black man I got to know well, and was a blessing to all who knew him.  If this man was indicative of African Americans, then I had been missing out my whole life. [By the way, you should hear his story here.]  

All of this is to say that I was never taught or indoctrinated to be racist in my youth.  For me, there was never a question of inclusion.

Sister Bonnie L. Oscarson, former Young Women General President taught:  The adversary would have us be critical or judgmental of one another. He wants us to concentrate on our differences and compare ourselves to one another. You may love to exercise vigorously for an hour each day because it makes you feel so good, while I consider it to be a major athletic event if I walk up one flight of stairs instead of taking the elevator. We can still be friends, can’t we?

When we compare ourselves to one another, we will always feel inadequate or resentful of others. We just need to relax and rejoice in our divine differences. We need to realize that we all desire to serve in the kingdom, using our unique talents and gifts in our own ways.

Whereas here on earth there is often just one winner of a prize (the Nobel Prize, Miss Universe, the Tour de France, the National Spelling Bee, America’s Got Talent, etc.), the kingdom of heaven is one of inclusion.  

Whereas Lucifer would whisper that if I don’t get the highest score in the class on a final exam I’m inadequate, God whispers to me that I—and all of us—can make it.  He doesn’t grade on a curve. All are alike unto Him.

To be continued . . . with Part 40

Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist - Part 38

Light and Truth Forsake that Evil One

Again, before this last General Conference, I wrote down some issues/challenges about which I wanted direction.  One of these was how to have the Spirit more readily in my life—mostly because I don’t have the Spirit as much as I’d like to.  

There were some really good talks about this topic—especially in the Sunday morning session.  And I felt like I got some good direction. But one statement that Pres. Nelson made triggered me:  “In coming days, it will not be possible to survive spiritually without the guiding, directing, comforting, and constant influence of the Holy Ghost.”

As a perfectionist, I’ve spent much of my life listening to the whisperings of the shame gremlins, as Brené Brown calls them.  Ideas such as: “You’re not good enough.”  “You’ll never get it right.” “Who do you think you are?”  “You can’t handle it.” “You don’t belong here.” “You’re not worthy.”  “You are unlovable.” “You’ll never amount to anything.” “You don’t matter.”  

Psychotherapists call these thoughts “scripts” or “tapes” that replay over and over in our heads, because they are ingrained in our core belief systems.

But these beliefs are not true.  So they result in a “faulty core belief system.”  And if they are not true, then they are lies. And where do lies originate?  From the “father of lies”—Lucifer.

In the Doctrine and Covenants, Section 93, we read:

36 The glory of God is intelligence, or, in other words, light and truth.

37 Light and truth forsake that evil one.

38 Every spirit of man was innocent in the beginning; and God having redeemed man from the fall, men became again, in their infant state, innocent before God.

39 And that wicked one cometh and taketh away light and truth, through disobedience, from the children of men, and because of the tradition of their fathers.

No wonder I don’t feel the Spirit as much:  if I’m filling my mind with lies, playing those tapes over and over, then the Spirit will withdraw from me.  

The more I fill my mind with hopeful, grateful, uplifting thoughts—light and truth, the more the Spirit can be with me.  We are promised that if we “always remember Him” we may “always have His Spirit” to be with us.

To be continued . . . with Part 39

Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist - Part 37

Unlimited Chances

General Conference earlier this month was amazing:  a solemn assembly, new apostles, the demise of home/visiting teaching, ministering, and new temples in exotic places.

In addition, I had written some questions/challenges around which I wanted direction.  And I got that direction, from several different addresses.

But the one talk that most closely addressed my perfectionistic side was by Elder Lynn G. Robbins, “Until Seventy Times Seven.”  Here are some of my favorite parts:

Mistakes are a fact of life. Learning to skillfully play the piano is essentially impossible without making thousands of mistakes—maybe even a million. To learn a foreign language, one must face the embarrassment of making thousands of mistakes—maybe even a million. Even the world’s greatest athletes never stop making mistakes.

“Success,” it has been said, “isn’t the absence of failure, but going from failure to failure without any loss of enthusiasm.”

While we are grateful for second chances following mistakes, or failures of the mind, we stand all amazed at the Savior’s grace in giving us second chances in overcoming sin, or failures of the heart.

No one is more on our side than the Savior. He allows us to take and keep retaking His exams. To become like Him will require countless second chances in our day-to-day struggles with the natural man, such as controlling appetites, learning patience and forgiveness, overcoming slothfulness, and avoiding sins of omission, just to name a few. If to err is human nature, how many failures will it take us until our nature is no longer human but divine? Thousands? More likely a million.

Knowing that the strait and narrow path would be strewn with trials and that failures would be a daily occurrence for us, the Savior paid an infinite price to give us as many chances as it would take to successfully pass our mortal probation.

But just how many times will He forgive us? How long is His long-suffering? On one occasion Peter asked the Savior, “Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times?”

Presumably, Peter thought seven was a sufficiently high number to emphasize the folly of forgiving too many times and that benevolence should have its limits. In response, the Savior essentially told Peter to not even count—to not establish limits on forgiveness.

“Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.”

Obviously, the Savior was not establishing an upper limit of 490. That would be analogous to saying that partaking of the sacrament has a limit of 490, and then on the 491st time, a heavenly auditor intercedes and says, “I’m so sorry, but your repentance card just expired—from this point forward, you’re on your own.”

The Lord used the math of seventy times seven as a metaphor of His infinite Atonement, His boundless love, and His limitless grace. “Yea, and as often as my people repent will I forgive them their trespasses against me.”

I find this extremely hopeful.  As someone who tends to think “I’ll never get it right,” this helps me understand that as many times as I miss the mark, I’ll still get another chance, and another, and another . . .  The Lord’s love truly is unlimited!

To be continued . . . with Part 38

Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist - Part 36

Meeting the Expectations of Others

For some of us who are perfectionists, we learned at a young age to try and meet the expectations of others.  Often these expectations were unspoken, but they were still there. Our self-worth was based on how well we could measure up to what we thought others wanted us to do and be.  

In “The Four Agreements” by don Miguel Ruiz, he refers to this growing up process as “domestication.”  Day by day, at home, at school, at church, and from television, we are told how to live, what kind of behavior is acceptable.

During the process of domestication, we form an image of what perfection is in order to try to be good enough. We create an image of how we should be in order to be accepted by everybody. We especially try to please the ones who love us, like Mom and Dad, big brothers and sisters, the priests and the teacher. Trying to be good enough for them, we create an image of perfection, but we don’t fit this image. We create this image, but this image is not real. We are never going to be perfect from this point of view. Never!

Not being perfect, we reject ourselves. And the level of self-rejection depends upon how effective the adults were in breaking our integrity. After domestication it is no longer about being good enough for anybody else. We are not good enough for ourselves because we don’t fit with our own image of perfection. We cannot forgive ourselves for not being what we wish to be, or rather what we believe we should be. We cannot forgive ourselves for not being perfect.

We know we are not what we believe we are supposed to be and so we feel false, frustrated, and dishonest. We try to hide ourselves, and we pretend to be what we are not. The result is that we feel inauthentic and wear social masks to keep others from noticing this. We are so afraid that somebody else will notice that we are not what we pretend to be. We judge others according to our image of perfection as well, and naturally they fall short of our expectations.

When I read this, it was very familiar to me.  I have often felt like I was wearing a mask, pretending to be someone I was not.  Because I think others expect me to be someone I’m not. I was trying to appear perfect, like I had it all together, and yet, being very flawed and mistake-prone. I think this adequately describes the problem.

Later in the book, Ruiz explains how the Four Agreements can help us overcome this issue of feeling not good enough.  

President Uchtdorf shares this wonderful teaching:  If we look at ourselves only through our mortal eyes, we may not see ourselves as good enough. But our Heavenly Father sees us as who we truly are and who we can become. He sees us as His sons and daughters, as beings of eternal light with everlasting potential and with a divine destiny.

To be continued . . . with Part 37